Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
