I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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