I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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