Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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