So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
