please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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