i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
