He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
