Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
