I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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