I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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