the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
