he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
