We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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