Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
