Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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