I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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