He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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