I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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