i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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