my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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