Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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