Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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