Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
