Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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