I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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