On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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