SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
