wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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