My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
