i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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