Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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