I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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