Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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