College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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