is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
