I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
