I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Swine flu is the new snow day.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
