He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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