I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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