Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
