I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
