somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
