Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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