M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
