He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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