Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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