At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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