false alarm. still invincible.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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