1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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