neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
