8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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