If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
